


I Still Think You're Beautiful.

by Jaxxxx



Category: Phan, Phandom, Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Bad Writing, Happy Ending, M/M, Self Harm, Swearing, a whole fucking lot of swearing, blowjob, but it just happened, i didnt plan to have a bj in here, please dont read if itll trigger you, self hate, self injury, suicidal, suicidal!dan, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 05:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1806775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaxxxx/pseuds/Jaxxxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil always knew Dan was insecure, but he never thought he'd take it this far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Still Think You're Beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> my first phan fiction! title from "a match into water" by pierce the veil.

Dan and Phil have a youtube channel together. It's called "Phan". Simple. Their ship name.

They make new videos spontaneously. Sometimes five days a week, sometimes just two. Today, is a day for vlogging. Phil talks to his camera alone in the lounge for a minute. "Hey, guys! Dan's still asleep and he looks so peaceful and I really don't wanna wake him up, let's see if we can get a bit of his cuteness on tape, yeah?" Phil smiles widely at the camera as he walks into their room. 

"Bear," Phil whispers. Dan is still sound asleep. 

"Baby," Phil says nudging his boyfriend on the shoulder. Dan hums in response and turns over. 

"Dan, wake up. Today we're vlogging," Phil says, just above a whisper. 

"Phil, get the camera off of me. I don't want anyone to see my hobbit hair!" Dan smiles from under the covers. Phil turns off the camera, planning to start the video back up in a couple hours.

Phil hops into bed with Dan. 

"You gotta wake up today," Phil says, brushing Dan's curls out of his face. 

"But I just wanna stay in my pajamas all day, and cuddle with you. And drink some tea, and cuddle. And make out a little bit, and-" Phil cuts him off. 

"We can vlog while doing nothing, alright? Just us relaxing, I'll make you some tea, alright?" Phil smiles. 

"You're the best," Dan says, smiling, then giving Phil a quick kiss.

Phil grabs the camera as they head into the lounge. He hands it to Dan. He hits record. 

"Hi, Phil woke me up" Dan says sleepily into the camera. 

"Dan, it's noon!" Phil shouts from the kitchen, Dan looks over as he hears the clatter of mugs. 

"He's making tea for us, because he's the best boyfriend ever," Dan giggles into the camera. Phil comes in a minute later with two cups of tea. 

"Here you go," Phil says as he hands Dan the cup. Dan takes a sip. 

"Satisfactory tea?" Phil asks, Dan nods and takes another sip. They vlog for another ten minutes before setting the camera aside, and turning it off.

"Can we go back to bed?" Dan asks. Phil nods as he stands up, holding Dan's hand. Dan follows him into bed. Phil lays down, opening his arms for Dan. Dan pulls the covers over them, then rests his head in the crook of Phil's neck. He drapes an arm over Phil's torso, and a leg over Phil's. Phil holds Dan close, with his head resting on Dan's. 

"Phil?" Dan says. 

"Hm?" Phil hums. 

"I love you. I love you so, so, so, so, much, babe. I don't know, I'm just kinda letting words spill out of my mouth. But I just fucking love you so much and-" Phil stops him and kisses him. Dan closes his eyes and moves his lips in sync with Phil's. 

"You're perfect" Phil says smiling. 

"No, I'm not, I-" He's cut off, once again. 

"Shhhh, Daniel, you," 

Kiss 

"Are" 

Kiss 

"Perfect" 

Kiss. Dan smiles, that loving smile, at Phil. That smile that says 

"You're my whole world and I'd do anything for you" Phil smiles, the same way, back. Soon Dan is back asleep, on Phil's chest. Phil isn't particularly tired, but he closes his eyes and rests his head on Dan's anyway.

Phil eventually falls back to sleep. Dan groans as he wakes up. He props himself up on his elbow, to see that Phil is asleep. He kisses Phil on the nose before he gets up. He wishes he could stay in Phil's arms forever, but their are things to be done. He goes to the office, and edits the video they just made. He posts it. There are the normal comments like "Cute!" and "Awwwww, you two!" but then Dan sees "Faggots!" "Gay!" Dan frowns and responds "no shit we r gay, fuck head." Dan smiles to himself. He decides to go on twitter. He scrolls through the "Mentions". "Fuckin emo fag" one says. "slit your wrists lol" another. "phil should ditch you and be with me!" "you and the other emo prob do this for attention" "fuck you mate" "fatass" "die" "RT if you think Dan Howell should die lol" 562 retweets, 73 favorites. By now, Dan is crying silently.

He doesn't realize Phil walks into the room. Dan wiped his eyes, still looking at his computer. Phil looks over Dan's shoulder, reading what they're saying. Dan sniffs as his crying becomes less silent. 

"Baby...." Phil says, lovingly. 

"Jesus Christ!" Dan says, jumping. 

"Don't scare me like that!" He quickly wipes away the tears. 

"Bear, c'mon, why were you crying?" Phil asks, knowing the answer, his eyes still on the computer. 

"Th-they hate me" Dan stutters. 

"No, they just want attention. You're perfect, and if they can't see that, then they're blind" Phil says, wiping the tears from Dan's face with the pads of his thumbs. Dan keeps crying. He jumps into Phil's arms, just sobbing into his shoulder. Phil rubs his back, and holds him tight.

Dan sniffs for a final time when tears stop falling. 

"You better now, Bear?" Phil asks while releasing Dan from the hug, but holding their hands together. Dan shakes his head "I feel like they're right. I'm just stupid. And I-" Dan stops and starts crying again. 

"God dammit! I cry at everything! I'm such a fucking dumbass!" Dan yells. Phil holds grips Dan's hand and guides them into the lounge, they sit on the couch. 

"Baby, I love you. So, so, so, so, much. You're not a dumbass. You're not stupid. And it's alright to cry. I'd cry, too," Phil says, as Dan clutches his shirt and sobs into his chest. 

"Shhhhh, I'm here, I'm here" Phil says. Dan looks up and wipes his eyes. 

"I th-think I'm gonna take a shower.... get my mind off things," Dan says, standing up. Phil nods and tells him he'll have dinner ready when he comes out. Dan smiles and kisses Phil before he leaves the room.

Dan goes into their room, finds a small box at the back of his sock drawer, and takes it into the bathroom. He starts the shower, making sure the water is the right temperature. He steps in, sitting on the floor. He opens the box, picking up the first razor he sees. Tears rush down his face as he slices his upper thigh. Blood trickles down the side of his leg. He loves this, this numbing pain. He cuts more and more, he slits his thighs until he can barely see skin anymore. He cries hard, sobbing, the shower floor being mixed with blood, tears, and water. He stands up, wincing at the burning sensation in his thighs when the water hits his cuts. He quickly washes his hair so Phil knows he at least did something.

After he gets out, dries off, and puts the box back in its rightful place, he goes into the kitchen to see Phil finishing up dinner. Dan sneaks up behind Phil and hugs him, his hands resting just above Phil's crotch. 

"Hey, sexy," Dan smirks. Phil smiles and turns around. 

"Hey, beautiful," he says as he kisses Dan's neck. Dan hated when people touched his neck, but when Phil did it, god, it was such a turn on. Dan bites his lip. "What's for dinner?" he asks, trying to get his mind off of how much he wants Phil. 

"Spaghetti" Phil says, turning back to the stove. 

"Almost ready," Phil smiles.

After they eat, Phil is back to kissing Dan's neck. Dan throws his head back and moans quietly. Phil palms Dan through his sweats. 

"Hard already?" Phil asks. 

"Fuck- yes, I have been since I got out of the shower," Dan says, trying to form sentences. 

"Should've told me, babe, I would have sucked you off so good.... swallowing all of your cum...." Phil whispers into Dan's ear. Dan moans loudly 

"Fuck- shit- Phil, please" Dan sighs. 

"Please what?" Phil asks. He always had been a god damn tease. 

"Please, I, let me- ah fuck" Dan moans when Phil starts biting his neck and teasingly stroking him through his pants. 

"Babe, please, f-fuck my mouth, please, need you, shit, wanna taste you," Dan manages to get out. Phil smirks and nods, gently putting his hand on the back of Dan's head and guiding him toward his crotch. Dan quickly unbuttons and unzips Phil's jeans. He pulls down Phil's boxers, eagerly. He spits into his hand and jacks Phil off for a minute before taking Phil's head into his mouth. He takes Phil's loud moans as a sign that he's doing well. He takes Phil halfway down and allows him to thrust into his mouth. Dan gags and moans sending vibrations to Phil's dick. 

"I-I'm close...." Phil gasps. Dan sticks his hand down his pants and starts moving his hand to the pace of his head bobbing. Phil cums down Dan's throat, moaning out his name. That sends Dan over the edge, he cums on his hand. Dan swallows every drop of Phil's cum. Phil holds Dan's wrist to bring his hand up so he can taste Dan. Phil sucks on Dan's fingers, making sure to get it all.

Phil pulls Dan up on the couch with him. They stare at each other lovingly as they come down from their highs. 

"Tired, darling?" Phil asks, as Dan wraps his arms around Phil's neck and rests his head on his chest, legs thrown over Phil's. 

"Mhm" Dan mumbles as he takes off his shirt and closes his eyes. Phil picks Dan up, carrying him to their room. He lays Dan down, before climbing in beside him, and taking off his shirt, too. Dan rests his head on Phil's chest, legs in a tangled mess, arms and hands intertwined. 

"I love you," Dan says, leaning up to kiss Phil. 

"I love you too," Phil says.

No more than ten minutes later, Dan is fast asleep. Phil lays awake, staring at the ceiling, listening to the steady breathing of his boyfriend. He thinks of earlier, when he found Dan reading hate. He cannot believe people would say such awful things about the most perfect boy in the world. Phil hugs Dan tightly, and kisses his head. Dan, still sleeping, cuddles further into Phil, rubbing his head on Phil's chest.

Phil runs his hand through Dan's hair. Phil makes himself a promise that he will do anything in his reach to make Dan happy. He'll get him a kitten. He'll make him dinner. He'll kiss him. He'll cuddle him. Anything he wants, anything to make him happy.

Little did Phil know, what Dan wanted, was to be dead.

The next day, Phil wakes up to an empty bed, and the smell of pancakes. He smiles. He pulls on a shirt and walks down the hall. 

"Hi babe," Phil says, hugging Dan from the side. 

"Jesus!" Dan yelps. 

"You scared me," He smiles. Phil laughs, as Dan stumbles a bit. 

"Hi, anyway," Dan finally says, while trying to fix his hair. 

"Dan, stop," Phil says, taking Dan's hands in his own. 

"Your hair is cute. You're always fixing it but I think it's amazing in every way," Phil smiles. 

"I look like a fucking hobbit," Dan mumbles, looking at the ground. 

"But you're my hobbit," Phil says giggling, and lifting Dan's chin with his hand, kissing him. Dan smiles. 

"Well, c'mon, I made pancakes," He says.

That day, at about four thirty, they're laying in bed with Dan's old iPod on the bedside table, on shuffle. As another random song draws to a close, Dan rests his head on Phil's chest, his hearing half directed towards the music, half towards Phil's steady heartbeat. Dan jumped when he heard the tune of- xylophones? He could never fully remember what started this song. It occurred to him that he should ask Phil to skip the song but he couldn't remember why. Why was this song so bad? Something was on the tip of his tongue. Then, the lyrics start. 

"Sick with myself, but I've got no one else, it's the only thing that helps. It's the same thing, this pain thing, that keeps me from sleeping, and screaming that God, I must be mother fucking dreaming-" Dan's eyes dart open, remembering the lyrics. "Will he think I just liked the tune? or will he look deeper into this?" Dan thought. He could feel Phil tense up. 

"We can skip this song if you want," Dan mumbles, hoping Phil heard it. 

"No, it's fine. It just sounds so angry and sad. Who sings this?" Phil wonders as he rubs Dan's back. 

"Um.... I don't remember. Hollywood undead?" Dan knows he's lying. He remembers this band. Singing things he could relate to. Phil just nodded. 

"Shit what happens next in this song? Do they actually flat out say cutting? Fuck I don't remember," Dan thinks as he tries to calm himself down. 

"I don't know why I cut myself, God, give me a sign or help, I won't cry-" comes through the tiny speakers. 

"Phil can we just skip this? It's sad, I don't know why I bought it. Really, let's listen to Muse or Katy Perry, I-" "Dan!" Phil smiles at how panicky Dan is. 

Phil just laughed it off, and skipped to the next song. Dan let out a deep breath and relaxed. Phil didn't realize a thing. 

Or so Dan thought.

This wasn't the first time Phil had noticed something like this. The first time was a couple months ago, when Phil saw blood on the sleeve of Dan's sweater. Dan told him it was just his bracelets irritating his skin. Phil nodded, accepting that. But the more and more he thought about it, the more he thought it was something else. That's when Dan realized he really should be doing it on his thighs. 

The second time Phil noticed something was off was when Dan stopped wanting to have sex. Dan didn't have an excuse for that one. If they were making out or something and got turned on, Dan would just suggest that he gave Phil a blowjob, which Phil never denied, because who wouldn't want Dan Howell to blow them? Dan thought about if they just did it in the dark, but he figured Phil would grip his hips/thighs and feel the cuts. Phil never thought Dan was losing interest, though. He still looked at him lovingly, kissed him passionately, regularly said 'I love you', cuddled him, and all of the other loving things that they have always done for each other. 

This was the third time Phil had noticed something. He knows he should say something. He knows but he doesn't know how to go about it. What if Dan got the wrong message? What if Dan got mad at him? He didn't want to risk anything, but he didn't know what else to do. 

The next morning, Dan woke up to Phil cuddled into him, his face buried in his hair, his legs tangled with Dan's, an arm draped over his stomach. Dan smiled at how cute his sleepy boyfriend looked. 

"Dan.." Phil mumbled. Dan looked over to find that Phil was still fast asleep. 

"I'm right here, sweetheart," Dan whispers, pulling Phil closer. Phil hums in response. But it was more of a whine. Dan wonders if Phil was having a nightmare. He pulls Phil down a bit so he can comfortably play with/pat his hair. He kisses Phil on the cheek in hopes to get Phil out of whatever dream he was having.

Phil didn't wake up, but he snuggled even more into Dan's side. Dan could swear he saw a tiny smile. Dan thought for a while. About everything. It was all flying through his mind so fast. Future, jobs, kids, music, drawing, blogging, how he should tell Phil, friends, family. 'Wait, what? You're not gonna tell Phil,' Dan thinks. 'Although.... I'm sure he would want to know the truth. But what if he leaves me? What if he thinks my scars are ugly? What if- Dan, the world is full of what ifs. Now don't be the first slice of bread and tell him! Soon!' Dan's mind is a roller coaster when its dark out ('What? It's dark out? Why am I awake? Too late to go back to sleep now.' he thinks) 

Soon, it was 10:00 am and Dan decided to wake Phil up. 

"Hey.... phil," Dan said, dragging out the i. 

"Five more minutes," Phil mumbles, as he pulls a pillow over his head. Dan smiles and shakes his head as he whispers a quiet 'okay' before flinging his arms back around his sleepy boyfriend. 

Ten minutes later, Phil is lightly to Dan's shirt and mumbling who knows what. Dan knows he should wake him, but he's just so god damn cute. Soon enough, Phil is waking up on his own, yawning loudly, and sitting up. 

"Good morning, darling," Dan says, smiling at he sits up. Sure, he's giving off the whole 'Hello baby I love you lots let's frolic in a field of daisies' vibe. But inside, he's all 'oh my fucking god oh my fucking god TELL PHIL YOU MORON tell tell tell tell him now,'. 

Phil can tell something is wrong. They've been together that long, he knows when something's bothering him in the slightest way. 

"What's wrong?" Phil asks, cocking his head to the side. 

"Uh, n-nothing," Dan stutters. 'Shit.' he thinks. 

"Something is. I wanna help, tell me and I'll try to make it better, yeah?" Phil says, resting his hand on Dan's knee in an attempt to make him feel more comfortable. Dan can feel tears brimming at his eyes. 'Do not cry. Do not. Do not. Do not cry. Don't cry, Daniel, don't you fucking dare,' he tells himself, hoping it isn't too noticeable yet. 

Dan just shakes his head, he knows that if he talks, he'll begin to cry. Phil notices every thing about Dan, so of course he notices the tiny droplets about to come from his eyes and roll down his cheeks. So, Phil just pulls Dan in for a hug. He hugs back immediately, gripping the back of his t-shirt. He finally allows the tears to fall down his face, letting out quiet sobs into the crook of Phil's neck. Phil pulls Dan, slowly, into his lap, rubbing his back softly. 

"Baby, it's okay, shhhh, it's fine," Phil reassures Dan. The truth is, he doesn't know if it'll be okay. He doesn't even know what's wrong. 

"Ph-phil, I need to t-tell you something," Dan stutters out. 

"Anything," Phil says, as Dan sits up more so he can look Phil in the eyes. 

"Don't get mad. Or leave me," Dan whispers, looking down at his hands. 

"I could never leave you. You're my everything. And I'm sure I won't be mad," Phil says, giving a sympathetic smile. 

"I don't know how to say it, so I'm just gonna say it. I, um, have been self harming for a while now. Nothing was ever life threatening, as much as I wanted it to be. I have been using razors that I screwed out from pencil sharpeners. I understand if you hate me now or something, I mean who would want someone with scars all over his wrist. I'm torn apart, now. I was given a completely fine body by God or whatever the hell created shit. And I just had to go and ruin it. Fuck, I-" 

"Dan!" Phil interrupts. He takes his face in his hands and kisses him. 

"I still think you're beautiful,"

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! comment please! also my tumblr is stylinsonhbu! follow if youd like!


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